Stand by your kids (the naughty too)

There’s a series by Texas Pictures Documentaries, families sharing stories of losing their loved ones to Fentanyl. 

The stories move - too sad to watch often though. 

These are ordinary people, ordinary families. 

There is an episode that sticks in my mind, a mother speaking of the loss of her son.

His bad behaviour had escalated through his teens.  After shooting a gun (into the air) at a party, he spent the next four months in a prison cell.  She said this was the first time she left him, visiting only to take items he may need.

She had reached her limit, couldn’t stand by him anymore. 

What’s the right/best thing to do in this situation?

In the post Staying True When the Shadow Knocks, I mention the work of Bob Johnston and his work in prisons.  His approach was the opposite of isolation, and his results successful.  This was intolerable to the prison staff and traditional psychology professionals.

In Raphael Rowe’s ‘The World’s Toughest Prisons’ the episode when in Bosnia was frightening.  A particular prisoner was almost constantly in solitary confinement. 

Did it soften him? Teach him a lesson?  Nope.  He became more violent.

So, if isolating has limiting ability to heal and the opposite approach repels most, how can we stand by kids in the worst situations?

Do we deny, become passive, enable, comply, dominate?

Might not raise happy, independent kids with confidence to spread their wings.

Not claiming to be any parenting expert, having struggled like every other parent who loves their kids.  Years ago, I had a dream, the symbolism showing that in sticking by kids no matter what removes the child in us.

Boy was it true and tested.

Shadow Work

The post mentioned above is a good place to start Staying True When the Shadow Knocks.   It explains where violence comes from. 

Another is reading Debbie Fords, The Dark Side of the Light Chasers.  Not all we see is projection but if we have a strong emotional response, you can be sure there is shadow work to be done.   Kids reflect the good and the shadow parts of ourselves.  Not nice to admit. Thankfully healing reflects too.

Unless of course you had perfect parenting and are non-violent :) I’ve not met many like that.

Join-up

Shadow work changes energy. 

Monty Roberts, famous horse trainer amongst other things demonstrates this, literally in his join-up method of training horses.  He grew up watching his father’s violent horse training techniques, which he hated.

He learned to communicate with horses (flight animals) another way.  If someone’s energy is off, the horse will not join-up.  With the right energy the trainer can heal even the most scared and traumatised horses.

These techniques have been used to work with people with trauma and also those in leadership positions.  Monty Roberts trains in organisations through-out the world.  He also fostered more than 40 kids, many with behaviour issues. 

His method 1. be authentic 2. communicate clearly expectations and consequences 3. promote mutual trust 4. expect the best.

Worth a try, surely?

I remember a time when I had reached my limit, laying down on the couch in the middle of the afternoon.  Feeling like giving up.  A short while later a conversation took place and there was a complete change of position.  It was a miracle.

I can’t claim to have done something special, just completely let go.

It was significant, and represented a change in direction. *(I didn’t move from that position on the couch during the entire conversation).

Worth mentioning .....

* the above applies to our kids, as for all other relationships – friends, lovers, colleagues …. leave that to spirit?

* to anyone childless and/or unmothered / unfathered, stand by yourself (even when naughty!)

* does that mean our kids will stand by us! If we are doing it right and they are happy and healthy they may not call as much as we would like :)

* should we stay ‘for” the kids? I think not.  I have known some great fathers whose children have chosen to live with them once separated.  In one case a father who stayed in close contact with all three adult daughters despite living in different parts of the country (who cry on seeing him when meeting up)

* does that mean kids should lean on us forever! No to that – blocks liberation.

So stand by your kids, in some cases sadly it may not save them but it will almost certainly save you.

All my love (especially any family touched by loss due to addiction). 

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